I am a mother

My sweet friend Carin has been there to capture me with my kids since hours after Taylor was born. These were taken that same day at the Orchard (a few posts back). It was the week of Mother's Day. I got back from Utah and dove into the maze of boxes and never really thought about writing anything until I sat with Carin yesterday and watched her edit the pictures of me and my kids. I love to watch people do things they're amazing at. I love to watch my dad play the piano... he doesn't read a note yet he can play for hours. I love to watch my mom garden, she knows every flowers name and when it blooms...I'm hoping someday my green thumb will sink in but for now I hate the feel of dirt on my hands. I love to watch Carin take pictures and work some subtle magic on the computer. Cameras aren't magic and either is Photoshop.... SHE is amazing.



That is me in that field with those three beautiful children. How did I get so lucky? They are so SPECIAL to me. I had a dream that I was holding my baby boy. The feeling of love in my heart actually hurt. I woke up from a dead sleep crying and woke Ely up and told him that I felt it was time to start trying to have a baby. I think he mumbled "ok" and turned to go back to sleep.

That was the beginning of my personal little hell. I got pregnant immediately only to miscarry at 6 weeks. My entire existence was shattered. In my mind that baby was real and mine and supposed to be born in 7 more months. We waited the 3 months the Dr. said and got pregnant again. This time I got really bad morning sickness and passed the 6 week mark. I miscarried at 8 weeks and had a D&C that went wrong. I'll spare you the details but I've been told Im lucky to be able to have children after that. I had never been so devastated. I was nannying for a Newborn and it seemed everyone around me was pregnant. I was told to wait three more months to see if I could sustain a pregnancy, if not they would "TEST". I know so many people close to me that have been through much worse (infertility, still births, losing babies after birth) but this was my reality and I FELT PAIN.

When I got pregnant three months later, I was a WRECK. At six weeks we SAW his heartbeat (thank heaven). After that I found a way to get four more ultrasounds just to be reassured. I still was a WRECK for the whole nine months. When I held him for the first time I felt that hurt in heart from my dream. Taylor is so special because he is my first and I've never wanted anything more than I wanted him.

Halle is my girl, need I say more? I ALWAYS longed for a girl. In my mind she had long blonde hair and blue eyes. Funny.... she has the most beautiful curly brown hair and hazel eyes I've ever seen {maybe Im a bit biased} and to me looks the most like her daddy. She is my girl.

Ashton... oh Ashton. Maybe it's because he's my last or because it's fun to have one that actually looks like me or because he still thinks his MAMA is the BEST thing in this world... but everytime I look at him my heart hurts with love. He is my baby.

There are good days and bad days but all I know is that
I was put on this earth
to
be
a
MOTHER.